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JEWELL APPOINTED NEXT ENGLAND BOSS

FA GET THEIR MAN IN MAJOR TEA COUP

Paul Jewell will be the next England manager. The Wigan boss will take over from Steve McClaren at the end of the domestic season, after lengthy discussions with the FA concluded this weekend with a pay deal he couldn't refuse.

“We are delighted to announce that Paul has accepted what I can only describe as a very lucrative offer,” said FA Chief executive Brian Barwick unveiling the rotund Scouser at a packed press conference early today. “Paul is a big tea fan, but our original offer of all the tea in China wasn’t enough to persuade him to take on the job. In the end we struck a deal whereby he will get all the tea in China AND a proportion of the tea in India as well”.

This is not the first time that the FA have been forced to push the boat out to get their man. Sven Goran Erickson initially refused to take charge “for neither love nor money”, until the FA arranged for him to be supplied with large enough amounts of both.

The exact size of the Jewell deal remains under wraps, but the figure being quoted is approximately 47% of the tea in India.

“If the figures are true,” writes Sun football correspondent Shaun Custis, “then that’s 147% of tea, which is a large amount even for a keen tea drinker like Paul.”

“I like tea very much,” admitted Jewell at this morning’s press conference. “I wouldn’t have done this job for all the tea in China though as I’m very partial to some of the Indian leaves as well, like Darjeeling for instance.”

The FA will start work with Jewell following Wigan’s inevitable relegation in May. During the coming weeks they expect to arrange McClaren’s pay off, which is expected to run into several hundred crates of Boddington’s.

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ENGLAND RE-JOYCES

OPEN TOP BUS, HONOURS, FOR HEROES

England's cricketing heroes will be rewarded with an open top bus ride through the centre of London following their emphatic trouncing in today's ODI.

England thrashed a poor Australian outfit by 92 runs in a contest that was embarassingly one-sided from first to last.

It was the latest triumph for a rampant England side who also won a ODI against New Zealand recently, and before that a series against Bangladesh in 2003, and one against Pakistan in 1978.

"It's the latest in a long line of expert performances, and there's a lot of positives we can take from the game," said stand-in stand-in skipper Andy Flintoff. "We truly nailed them, and so we're going to get proper bladdered tonight. Except the lads who don't drink of course."

Prime Minister Tony Blair couldn't resist commenting: "It's a fantastic performance by the lads, and that Mickey Rooney's a great player. If any of them want to put a few coins in my collection box I'm sure I can reward them with... Doh, what am I saying! I'd like my solicitor to be present before I say any more."

GENETICS BOWLING PLANS LEAKED

Genetics CC had their pre-season preparation thrown into chaos this week when their bowling plans for arch-rivals CCC were leaked to the press.

The bowling plans, contained on a single laminated sheet, were apparently mislaid in the Victory pub, Gosforth, and later turned up at the Herald and Post free paper.

The plans (shown below) reveal a specially tailored bowling strategy for each CCC batsman, aimed at pinpointing and exploiting individual weaknesses.

RIAN: loses patience if fails to hit boundary ball 1. Possible stumping ball 2. Run out candidate

TOMLINSON (Knick): Crowd infield to frustrate early doors. Sledge (but don’t refer to him as ‘the club pro’ – a compliment). Run out candidate

TOMLINSON (Greg): one vulnerable area – his stumps. Run out candidate

AMIN: Wind up, may try to hit you out of ground first ball. Run out candidate plus some

FINKILL (P): bowl straight and fast. Run out candidate if he survives the ball

EDWARDS: only one shot, angled cut to 3rd man. Slip, gully, 3rd. Vulnerable to straight and exceedingly slow ball. Run out candidate

WOODMAN: very orthodox. Sometimes doesn’t drop wrists enough. May cut and drive uppishly. Run out candidate

PLANCHANT: Run out candidate. Obstruct him when running

FRENCH: technically sound. Sledging - suggest local NHS trust is slightly over budget for this fiscal year

MARSHALL: DON’T SLEDGE – unless you want a stump up your a***. Run out cand.

TOMLINSON (Gerry): bring on 10 year old. Also, run out cand.

BOYES: if doesn’t play perfect text book stroke will get bout of introspection and miss a straight one. Play on frustration. Also, run out cand.

HALL: nothing to worry about – just get it on target. If not, run out cand.

FINKILL (G): Er, run out cand.


Meanwhile, Genetics spokesman John Robinson issued the following statement: “Our pre-season plans have been thrown into chaos, as our bowling coach clearly needed reminding that we are now in Division 1, and won’t have to play that bunch of no hopers this season.”

BOWLING GENIUS CALLS TIME ON CAREER

HARMISON TO FOCUS ON TESTS, DIY

The world of cricket was left stunned today following the shock announcement that England fast bowler Steve Harmison is to retire from One Day International cricket.

Harmison leaves the 50 over game at the peak of his talents. As the tributes flooded in, cricket fans across the globe reflected on the huge impact of the tall Geordie.

"It was the enthusiasm he brought to the job," said Durham Head Coach Martyn Moxon. "If England were up against it you could rely on Harmy to stand up and be counted, and always with a smile on his face."

"He was a one off," said Pakistan captain Inzamam-Ul-Haq. "The lift he got from his stock long hop meant you could carve it over backward point for six."

"Who will ever forget his brilliant 0-90 against us," added Maheta Jayawardene of Sri Lanka, one of many top class international batsmen who often found himself on the receiving end of one of Harmison's enigmatic spells. "You never knew whether it would be a long hop outside off stump, or whether it would be overpitched. The guy had so much variation. Part of the fun was adapting and hitting it into different stands."

"I feel that by giving up One Day Internationals I'll be able to spend far more time at ho.. er, extend my test career by several years," said Harmison.

It is thought that Lancashire's Saj Mahmood is the man most likely to fill Harmison's boots in the arena as England's search for another wayward and mercurial fast bowler widens.

In other news, Aussie twirler Shane Warne has announced his retirement. "I meant to retire before the Ashes, but due to a clerical error I never told anyone, so I've decided to go AFTER the Ashes. Sorry for any inconvenience."