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BLAIR APOLOGISES FOR TRANSPORTATION

FULL APOLOGY ISSUED

PM Tony Blair has today issued a full apology for Britain’s role in the transportation of thousands of prisoners to Australia during the nineteenth century.

In a statement released earlier today, Mr Blair said he feels “deep regret” for the decision, in which people who had committed crimes as trivial as stealing bread were sent to the largely deserted semi-tropical continent via an extensive sea voyage.

Transportation was seen as a cost-effective alternative to the expansion of the prison system during the latter 18th and most of the 19th century. The favoured solution was to send selected criminals as far away from the British Isles as possible, to an almost deserted continent noted for its fantastic climate, glorious beaches, and beautiful coral reefs.

Gradually the resulting settlers developed their own communities, like Sydney, which continue to thrive today.

NOT FAR ENOUGH

The policy of transportation has come in for criticism in recent years from some extremist groups who say that it did not go far enough.

One of those critics, the chairman of the ECB David Morgan, commented: “Those criminals were not transported far enough. If they had been transported a bit further, say to Antarctica, then they would not have been able to implement the amazing sporting infrastructure with which they abuse us so often.”

EXTENSIVE SEA CRUISE

Today’s announcement puts an end to speculation that the government had been considering reintroducing transportation in order to ease the burden on Britain’s creaking prison system.

“I am deeply ashamed for Britain’s role in the transportation of criminals to Australia,” said Mr Blair in his statement.

“The action of my parliamentary forebears has had profound consequences for our modern society. I deeply regret that all these people were sent on what amounted to an extensive sea cruise to a semi-tropical paradise, at the tax-payers expense, and their future generations now insist on ungratefully inflicting horrendous sporting defeats on the mother country. It’s an indictment of liberal Victorian social policy.”

He went on: “I must apologise to all inhabitants of the British Isles who were not transported.”

Though Mr Blair has finally apologised to the residents of Britain for one of the most short-sighted and farcical policies of all time, it is thought that compensation will not be paid to Britain’s 60 million current residents.

NO RASH CHANGES

THE PAUL COLLINGWOOD COLUMN

England should resist making rash team changes for the third Ashes Test against Australia.

There are those who want to see Ashley Giles, James Anderson, and perhaps even Geraint Jones dropped after our second test capitulation.

But chopping and changing was England's policy in the 1980s and 1990s and look where it got us? 8th in the world Test ranking.

That's not to say I wouldn't mind seeing some changes, just not rash ones. For instance Alec Stewart has just played a good knock at Lilac Hill and would be an ideal replacement for Jonesy. Derek Underwood is out here leading a SAGA tour, and I feel his experience would probably be of more benefit to England at this stage rather than plunging Monty in at the deep end.

And Harold Larwood was apparently heard warming up in his grave during the first test in Brisbane - I think his inclusion would certainly raise a few eyebrows and could be the difference between the two sides.

I was pleased with my own form at Adelaide. My 22 not out in the second innings has drawn praise from some surprising quarters. Shane Warne said it was "pluckily irrelevant", and Chris Tavare said it was "mesmerising in its intensity". Meanwhile a certain Geoff Boycott commended me for playing "proper cricket" unlike my slogathon in the first innings.

See you in Perth!

Colly

WE'VE GOT AUSSIES WHERE WE WANT THEM

PAUL COLLINGWOOD'S TOUR DIARY

England are in a strong position going into day 3 of the first test in Brisbane.

We started slowly yesterday because some of the lads haven't played cricket in months. It's a complicated game and you have to get used to it again. You can't expect bowlers like Harmy or Jimmy to get it on the strip straight away - it takes practice. As for Gilo, he hasn't played in a year and he didn't take wickets before his absence, so we can't expect him to now.

Ricky Ponting hung around a bit too long, but he's a class act and you have to admire him for it.

Personally I think Brett Lee is the danger man with the bat. We had them struggling at 467-6 when he came in. He showed his ability time and again in England last year and he showed it again here. He's a great competitor.

However, it's clearly a 600 pitch - it always is in Brisbane - so if we get our heads down I'm sure we can get a decent score.

Obviously we've had a couple of setbacks with Straussy, Cooky and myself back in the hutch, but with Belly and KP at the crease, and Gilo adding depth to the batting, expect fireworks tomorrow.

We've got the Aussies where we want them now. They're already talking about regaining the Ashes before Chrsitmas! It will only take a couple of double-centurions tomorrow and the doubts will start to return.

Paul.

LANCS SEEK SUN, SAND AND SUS-SEX

QUEST FOR TITLE COULD SEE MOVE SOUTH

Lancashire CCC has reacted to its failure to win it first County Championship in 70 years by revealing a plan to relocate away from Old Trafford a- and indeed Lancashire.

“We’ve talked abaht this before,” admits Secretary Jim Cumbes. “Originally we was lookin’ at mowvin’ away from Owld Trafford to a new sowper stadium in Wigan. Now we’re looking for summats a bit further away.”

The intent to move will comes as a body blow to many of the Old Trafford faithful, but Cumbes is adamant. “If we want to win the title again we are going to have to mowve. We’ve lost 1000 owvers to the rayan this season. That ‘andicaps are challenge.”

A franchise style move to the south coast has been mooted. “Lancashire is a grayat brand with a lot of ‘istory and I think an ‘ick county like, say, Cornwall would be only too ‘appy to receive us. We’re thinking of a nyow stadium in Nyowquay or summ’ere. It’s always sunny dowan there. It’d be like Brooklyn Dodgers mowvin’ to the West Cowst”.

Will the recent weather problems hitting Lancashire at the Rose Bowl – one of the most southerly and sun-drenched county grounds in England at present – change his opinion? “I moost say it’s mekkin' us think. P’raps we should be looking at tekkin’ Lancashire cricket to Gibraltar. Further away from Yorkshire the better! Watch this spayace, as th’ say.”

SEASON ENDS WITH FIXTURE CONTROVERSY

WEST INDIES READY TO STEP IN

CCC's season seems to be ending in confusion over whether their lucrative end of season friendly will go ahead. Traditionally, the first Sunday in September sees a friendly match against Park House. However, this year there is confusion as to whether it is Park House, Genetics, or Mallards who is the opposition.

CCC has already lost to Genetics and Mallards a few times this season, and club spokesman Roger French believes this could provide the key to the controversy: "I believe that they are fighting for a fixture against us because they think we'll be pushovers," claims French. "Mallards think they're playing Genetics, though they'd be happy to play us, Genetics certainly thought they were playing us. Meanwhile we think Genetics are playing Mallards, and we are playing Park House, but no one's heard from Park House ever since the previous friendly against them was called off due to a double-booking controversy."

No one from any of the other teams was available for comment. Meanwhile the West Indies have offered to step in to play CCC at short notice, probably at Wallsend. "We feel that CCC would provide a good spring board for the ICC Trophy in October, as we feel confident that we should be able to beat them. We've also heard about the fast, true surface at Wallsend, and that excites my bowlers," commented WICB spokesman Clive Lloyd.