Login

WEEK 12: COQUET BEAT CCC

The two teams arrived at Wallsend Sports Centre on the hottest match day of the year to find that the groundsman had not prepared a wicket, and furthermore had watered the entire square during the afternoon. This meant that the square was sodden, and in places treacherous.

The least wet strip was selected for the game, though it had clearly been used up to a week earlier and remained uncut with divots missing around the creases. There were no visible line markings.

The all-important toss was won by Coquet and CCC were duly inserted into bat.

Scoring runs at Wallsend against Coquet's slow attack is tricky in normal circumstances, but on a wet overgown pitch it was impossible to get going. Two batsmen played on, Nick was brilliantly caught by the outstanding Ward, Ian was needlessly run out and others were well caught playing desperate attacking strokes. Off 16 overs CCC managed 95-9, a score that would have been below par off 14 overs. Only Greg looked at all fluent, posting 28 before getting bored with running and attempting an inadvisable slog to leg.

Coquet were never in any trouble. the pitch was drying out and playing more evenly by the time they came to bat, and they achieved 96-4 with 10 balls left.

It was very disappointing to come unstuck against the bottom-placed side having been in good form recently, however, for the second season running CCC were undone by the idiosyncracies of cricket at Wallsend.

Team: Nick, Tom F, Simon E, Greg, Mudassar, Peter, Ian, John, Derek, Guy, Cliff

WEEK 11: CCC BEAT MONKSEATON SAINTS

CCC clinched another nailbiting victory at Heaton last night.

Saints won the toss and elected to bat in a short, sharp shower. Zanetti hit ten from the first three balls, but was bowled from the fourth, after which CCC pegged the batsmen back. Four Saints players reached double figures, but non scored more than 13. Derek and John both bowled superbly, rising to the occasion in the absence of Rian, who will miss the remainder of the season. Monkseaton set a target of 101 from 14 overs.

CCC always seemd to be slightly below the run rate with Nick (35) and Simon E (23) batting methodically. It took a mature 18 not out from Greg, a violent 11 from Mudassar, and a last ball edge for four by John to ensure victory.

CCC's third last ball finish in five games yielded 9 points.

Team: Nick, Peter, Simon E, Greg, Matt, Simon W, Mudassar, John, Tom F, Derek, Guy

Supporters/scorers: Roger, Cliff, Ian, Mark (and son)

CCC Star Fee Deficit "Threat to Global Economy"

The club fee deficit being run up by CCC star Mudassar Amin could pose a long term threat to the global economy, forecasters have warned. Compound interest could mean that the fees, currently totalling around $40, could lead to a balance of payment deficit of $20 trillion by the end of the decade, plunging the global economy into prolonged recession.

"The longer the fees go unpaid the more serious the problem," revealed CCC chief economic spokesman Roger French. "As the deficit grows so does the interest rate, which increases exponentially. In the long term it can place an unbearable burden on the economy."

Apart from the compound interest, French reveals that a further problem is his inability to re-invest the club fees. "It's a double whammy. Obviously I would like to pump prime the economy by ploughing the club fees back in, perhaps through the purchase of new cricket balls and that. Without the fees I simply have nothing to reinvest."

French reckons the first casualty of the club fee crisis could be cricket supplier Just Sports. "If, or perhaps when, Just Sports closes, that could well be the trigger for a global recession that could last for years. All I can see beyond that is a kind of post-apocalyptic Mad Max landscape, perhaps ruled by Yorkshire. 'Appen I don’t want to put any undue emotional pressure on t'lad, an’ all."

The FTSE 100 index was down several points at the end of trading. The Dow Jones was expected to follow suit later today.

Pitch Authority in Line for "Embuggerment" Award

An unnamed local sports administration is in line to scoop a prestigious national award for 'embuggerment', a current affairs magazine revealed this week.

According to Yeah, Whatever Magazine, the administration in question runs a number of sporting events in several north east locations, but is favourite for the award following its 'management' of local cricket activities.

"The embuggerment award is very important in this day and age, when everything seems to be about transparency and customer focus. The award harks back to good old fashioned British values of incompetence, laziness and jobs-worth...iness", claimed Yeah, Whatever’s Entertainment Spokesman Anthony Hancock.

The administration is primarily involved in pitch booking for local cricket teams, however its commitment to this cause has come into question recently, with some experts believing that it is indulging deliberately in 'embuggering' activities. Of their three main cricket grounds, one developed a reputation for last minute postponements, another has recently experienced major booking problems, and the third suffered a spate of ill prepared pitches before being concreted over and turned into a car park.

"This will be a major coup for the administration, and one which I believe is thoroughly merited," added Hancock.

Previous winners include Group 4 Security, the Health and Safety Executive, the FA, and several construction companies, whilst the European Commission is in line for a special commendation recognising "50 years of embuggerment, Europe-wide".

Last year the award was won by the award presentation event organiser when it cancelled at the last minute due to a double booking.

CCC Stars Charged with Cricket Equipment Abuse

KIT "TOTALLY VILLAGED"

Several CCC stars stand accused this morning of Grade 1 Cricket Equipment Abuse (CEA). The charge comes about following a raid of the visitors’ locker room at Gateshead Fell cricket club by the Sports Quality Control Division last night. Their shocking haul included:

•1 team kit bag which "has seen better days"
•Several individual kit bags, some of which "date from the Eighties"
•An assortment of ill-fitting and broken pads
•An array of boxes that are "a danger to humanity"
•1 quality £160 bat "cosmetically challenged" with gaffer tape

"The haul is one of the largest ever seen in this region," claimed a Sports QC spokesman. "I’ve personally never seen such a shocking scene outside of the traditional village cricket environment. In such circumstances we refer to the kit as having been 'totally villaged'"

The quality of the overall CCC kit will come under scrutiny once the forensic report is released. "Some of that kit is just ridiculous for a serious team," the spokesman continued. "Some of it should be in a museum and some of it should be disposed of forthwith."

However, though CCC is likely to be charged with bringing the game into disrepute, it is the individual crimes against quality cricket that will draw the most serious charges. "Certain individuals had decent quality kit which they have totally villaged," continued the spokesman, his voice shaking unmistakeably with emotion as he recalled the horrific scene that had presented itself to him. "I...will never be able to forget the quality Dukes bat that had been gaffer taped at the bottom...It looked...”, he stammered before breaking down.

CCC spokesman Roger French made this statement: "CCC has been charged with bringing the game into disrepute, whilst certain individuals have been charged with a Grade 1 CEA. I have no further comment to make at this juncture. The matter is in the hands of our solicitor."