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Geoff Boycott’s Cricket Surgery

NO.2 THE BATTING COLLAPSE (AND ITS AVOIDANCE)

‘Appen I’ve been asked to proselytize on’t nature of batting collapses, in light of t’recent classic example of CCC v AletasteR. CCC were 45-0, yet only 14 balls later were 48-7. Even me old mate Brian Lara’s laughing at that, I can tell thee. But seriously, mind, such a display of inept batting against only one threatening bowler, it’s enough to make grown men weep. With that in mind I'd like to offer a few tips moreorless free of charge:

1. DON'T PANIC
No good ever came from panicking. CCC were cruising, with only 6 overs gone and the score 45-0, chasing 94 to wiN. There’s an old adage that when one wicket falls another falls quickly and that happened to CCC. Then another 5 fell quickly! My grandmother could’ve done better than that! So, when two wickets fall quickly the name of t'game is CONSOLIDATION, especially when th' next over involves...

2. ...FACING THE FINAL OVER FROM THEIR BEST BOWLER
Imagine t'circumstances:

+You’re faced with a halfway decent bowler, which the fellow Milburn is;
+You’ve just lost 2 quick wickets;
+It’s Milburn’s final over.

What do you do? Try and hit him out of the ground? NO!

Play airy-fairy shots all round the ball like Michael Vaughan in a 1-day innings? NO!

See him off, by watching each ball carefully, getting forward, and keeping bat and pad together? COULD BE!

What did CCC do? Lost 3 more wickets! I know you’re amateurs, but that were rank amateurish that were.

3. REMEMBER YOUR AVERAGE
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: there’s no fun getting out without a meaningful score on’t board, and your average won’t thank you for it either.

4. REQUEST A CHANGE OF UMPIRE
Never fails, that one!

DR BOYCOTT'S CRICKET PRESCRIPTION:
"concentration, concentration, concentration. And decent haircuts all round".

BE CAUTIOUS! Geoff

Isolated Deluge Forces Cancellation

WE WERE "HAVING LAUGH": CPD

CCC’s game with Sage was called off at the eleventh hour last night after a heavy half hour deluge began at 16:30. Even at that late stage the groundsman at Heaton was forced to cancel the match due to waterlogging. The postponement comes after a month of decent weather, when CCC have been able to get on with what they do best: play cricket. "It’s a disappointment to lose out to the weather after all this time," commented secretary Cliff Spencer, "but to be honest we’ve been quite lucky really. It’s only this last week that the rain seems to have become more indiscriminate in nature."

"We were worried that CCC had played too many consecutive games," commented a spokesman for the Celestial Precipitation Bureau (CPB), "hence the indiscriminate targeting of heavy rainfall across a wide range of days recently."

In fact it appears that failings in the CPB's information network (similar to those exhibited in many earthly businesses)could explain how CCC appear to have got off so lightly recently. "Due to certain bureaucratic inefficiencies we only just noticed that CCC are playing their home games on Tuesdays this season, instead of Wednesdays," continued the spokesman. "That’s enabled us to re-target them with the precision that we are noted for. That’s why you saw a classicly timed and targeted deluge yesterday, with no rain only 200 yards to the south of the ground. We were having a laugh," he said, before adding with menace: "today's rain is scheduled for a little earlier, perhaps as soon as 14:30."

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League Rebranding Gets Go Ahead

MIDWEEK LEAGUE GETS MAKEOVER

The North-East Mid-Week League has celebrated the announcement of its major new sponsorship deal with multi-national beverage company Coca-Cola with a timely rebranding exercise. From the start of the 2005 season Division 1 will be known as 'LEAGUE AWESOME'. Said a spokesman for Coca Cola: "we think that this represents a suitable monicker for such an important league. It also reflects our profound belief in spreading the message of shallow hyperbole on a global scale."

Relief for traditionalists comes the news that the remaining three sections of the league have been renamed on more local themes. "We are a multi-national company but we never forget that different areas have different traditions and customs," continued the spokesman, raising a sincere eyebrow: "the 2nd Division will become 'BELTER LEAGUE', 3 will become 'LEAGUE RADGIE' And 4 will be 'LEAGUE CHARVER'.

The specialist Geordie consultants based in London who came up with the new league names for an undisclosed fee told us: "yo dude, these names are up to tha minute, they really say something, man. They're real, they say something to Geordies, yet they're street, man." Before further questions could be asked, he hitched up his half length baggy trousers, adjusted his reverse baseball cap and departed on his skateboard: "gotta go guys, been a gas!" he said, giving an indiscreet gang sign with his right hand.

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Depleted CCC Defeated

CCC crashed to only their second league defeat of the season at Heaton last night. Genetics batted first and took advantage of their opponents being a man down for the duration of the first session of the game, with Alan being at the vet, scoring 129-4 (Jeffrey 53 not out). CCC's reply saw Rian score 58, but the team fall 25 runs short. Several CCC regulars were at the 1 Day International, though they could at a push have returned to play, given England's shambolic performance.

CCC: Rian, Alan, Tom, Simon W, John, Dave Graham, Amit, Keith Hayward, Derek, Roger, Tim

CCC Back on Track

A tight all round performance saw CCC achieve a comfortable win at Heaton last night against Merz & McLellan. Losing the toss for the 6th time out of 6th CCC were asked to field first and succeeded in dismissing the visitors for 73. This was an excellent bowling performance with Matt, Tim, and especially Rian and Derek getting the figures they deserved. Though a below par target on this ground, the run chase was not without its worrying moments as Phil Malibar bowled a superb spell for Merz (4-2-4-2). Simon E and Matt played sensibly to ease the tension, and in the end won the match comfortably with a couple of overs to spare. CCC 9 pts, Merz 1 pt.

CCC: Rian, Ratti, Simon E, Simon W, Matt, Tom, John, Derek, Andy, Cliff, Tim