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Team Photo @ Heaton Medicals 22 June 2004

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"Total Carnage" in Heaton Bloodbath

ONE STUMP, TWO FINGERS, THREE CATS

The CCC v Fenham top of the table clash ended in a bloodbath at Heaton last night. Fenham won a close game by 5 runs, but the real victors were the spectators who witnessed a horrific spectacle to satisfy any sadist's blood lust.

Whilst Fenham batted the only horrors were those attached to CCC's bowling figures as the visitors racked up 121-6 with Mudassar Amin scoring 57. It was during CCC's reply that the blood began to flow:

19:35 fielder sustains badly cut hand taking catch
19:36 the very next ball Ratti Khan's off stump perishes gruesomely, snapped in two by the force of a fast full toss
20:10 CCC's own medical expert, Dr Paul Bennett sustains broken hand.

"It's meant to be here," said Bennett later, pointing at his finger with a non-damaged digit, "but actually it's here."

As the first aid kit became quickly depleted it seemed that the bloodshed had ceased.

Then the cats were released. "There were three of them," continued Bennett, puffing nervously on a cigarette. "One fluffy number, a black and white, and a straight up tabby. It was like they were released deliberately when we were at our lowest."

The cats tore into the cricketers, the white flannels juxtaposed with blood glinting in the evening sun in a horrifyingly visceral scene reminiscent of Gladiator. "It was total carnage," said Bennett. "There was loads of that red stuff that people have in them, and there was a sense of panic. The only winner was the spectator."

The spectator indeed approved: "Aye, that were top notch," he said, collecting human organs from the pitch in a bag marked 'Genetics CC Research'. "Top notch".

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Top, Top, Top of the League!

With CCC sitting proudly on top of Division 3, it seems timely to look back at the promotion season of 1999 - the last time CCC were in that position. This was the only year when CCC obtained silverware!

Interestingly, the second and third placed teams in the final table shown below have gone from strength to strength. Cumberland Partners were promoted after a team further up the league withdrew. Aidan House were promoted the following season, and now, amazingly (for all those who remember beating them by 160 runs in 1998), play in Division 1. Hapless Bainbridge, who used to arrive at matches (when they could actually get a team out) with a box of leftover sandwiches from the shop, disappeared well before the department store name:

CCC P12 Pts 75
Cumberland Partners P12 Pts 67
Aidan House P12 Pts 50
Kingstonians P12 Pts 48
Bainbridge P12 Pts 15

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No Vinyl Appearance as Records Tumble CCC

It's almost the middle of June, and finally a team has proved strong enough to beat CCC. In fact, 1st Division Old Record Players demolished their 3rd Division opponents with a ruthless display. CCC batted first, having been put in, and though batting win itself ws not difficult, scoring runs was, especially off ORP's leg spinner Glover. Wickets fell regularly and a total of 68-7 was clearly at least 30 runs short of a meaningful target. With such a low score, ORP's club batsmen could afford to be ruthless and finished the game before the halfway mark, sending CCC to the pub well before 8 o'clock. It's possible that had CCC been able to chase a target this match might have been closer. A night to forget then, but at least CCC can now concentrate on the league, with a top of the table clash against Fenham next up.

CCC "Could Tour Zimbabwe"

Computing Cricket Club, from the North East Midweek League, could form the England party for this Autumn's tour of Zimbabwe.

The proposed tour is shrouded in controversy with moral objections being raised from many quarters about the Mugabe regime, whilst the recent sacking of 15 top Zimbabwe cricketers in what is seen as a racially motivated move has left the national side embarassingly weak.

CCC secretary Cliff Spencer has admitted that secret negotiations have already taken place to ensure England send a representative side to Zimbabwe: "I've been in touch with the ZCU and the ECB about this. I also had dinner with the queen, which was nice," he said. "The ECB have said that they have no choice but to send a team."

However, players have been given the right to make a personal decision on whether to go or not. "It would only take the current England squad, all the county pros, the entire minor county playing staff, all public school teams and club cricketers in the UK, along with about 90% of midweek league cricketers to say 'NO' for CCC to be requested to go. There is, therefore, a strong possibility that CCC could tour Zimbabwe," added Spencer.

Zimbabwe captain Tatenda Taibu was delirious at the news: "at last, someone we might beat!" he said, barely able to contain his excitement.