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"Ludicrous" Weather Hits North

ENTIRE CRICKET SEASON UNDER THREAT

The indiscriminate weather systems that characterised the 2003 season returned with a vengeance this week as the 2004 Mid Week League season was due to get underway.

The weather, which attacked north cricket grounds in vindictive precision raids beginning on Monday, has been described by league officials as "patently ludicrous". "These weather conditions are patently ludicrous", offered one spokesman. "We were given to expect benign conditions with which to carry on our day to day cricketing existence, but all we've got is chaos".

The weather raids have been so severe, and the on-ground infrastructure put under so much pressure, that cricket chiefs fear the new season could end before it has even begun: "The whole season could be in jeopardy", continued the spokesman. "We can't even move the league to the Caribbean because it's crap there as well."

One former league groundsman, who did not wish to be named, presided over 47 completed cricket matches during his 35 seasons in charge at Cochrane Park, Heaton. He sees the current conditions as indicative of trends in climatic change: "that's global warming for you," he told us.

Indeed, whereas Cochrane Park saw 14 completed cricket matches in 1972, this had tailed off to just one in 2003.

"Aye lads, looks like it's set in," commented the ex-groundsman, before collecting a set of clubs for a round of aqua-golf at Close House.

Holden's Stock Rises

CCC QUICK IN SHOCK TRANSFER

CCC fast bowler Andy Holden has been transferred to Mid Week League rivals Stocksfield CC. The shock deal has been kept under wraps until now with Holden's agent and club officials engaged in frantic meetings in order to secure his registration in time for the new season, which begins next week.

At a press conference this lunchtime Holden expressed regret at leaving CCC: "You are a great bunch of lads and I hope you have a great season - starting off with stuffing genetics!" he said.

Club captain Simon Edwards was sorry to see the amiable paceman go: "Andy's said he wants regular first team cricket at weekends as well as midweek. At the end of the day we can't offer that to him. Andy was a big part of our plans for the season, but we can't stand in the way of the lad. It's his career, and a new opportunity in a higher division, and he just wants to the best for himself."

Edwards went on to thank Holden for his service to CCC over the last four years: "I think I speak for everyone at the club in wishing Andy the best at his new club. Except if they play us of course!"

Team v Genetics

Game 1 v Genetics
Venue: Heaton
Date: Wednesday 28th April

Team (based on net attendance, first come first served, and - of course - strategy):

Greg Tomlinson (w/k)
Rian
Simon Edwards
Matt Planchant
Tom Woolhead
Paul Bennett
Ian Randall
Alan Boyes
Andy Holburn
Andy Holden
Tim 'Hurricane' Hall

Those of you not selected, please don't worry: there will be opportunity!

State of the Art Rebuild Begins for CCC Star

BIONIC HIP INSTALLED, ARM, EYE TO FOLLOW

CCC all rounder Terry Gomlinson* has been given a new hip in a six hour operation at Newcastle's Freeman Hospital, it has been revealed. A team of top-secret scientists and micro-surgeons is believed to have given Gomlinson a state of the art bionic hip joint which will enable him to:

• Bowl off a faster run than Tim ‘Hurricane’ Hall
• Boogie like John Travolta down at Foundation
• Run beside AND KEEP UP WITH his son driving round Gosforth housing estates.

In a press release, a hospital spokesman reported that the player has made a good recovery but is not expected to be able to resume his cricket career till next season, as his body and immune system needs time to adjust to the cybernetic implants. “We were able to rebuild him. We had the technology, like,” added the spokesman.

Meanwhile a CCC representative, who did not wish to be identified, claimed that the rebuild is “only the beginning”.

“We have a rolling programme of refurbishments in order to compete with the vile enemy,” he said, referring to the programme of genetic engineering implemented by Genetics CC (see news 21st november 2003).

“Before too long there will be a new knee for Edwards, a new haircut for Knowles, and maybe even a new ball for Rian. The world will come to know of us. We will prevail.”

Gomlinson’s new hip will be officially unveiled in a ceremony involving beer and suspenders at South Northumberland CC later in the summer.

* some names in this article have been changed to protect privacy

CCC Grand Night Ooot...

CCC are proud to be associated with the Indian Eaterie "Days of the Raj". Many CCC members will be breaking bread, and reviewing last year's promotion season at this very place, on Thursday 4th March 2004 at 8pm in the evening. Nearest Metro - Regent Centre. Join us.