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Nets for 2004...

Nets this year are at the prestigious new venue of the Newcastle Cricket Centre:
Dates confirmed:-
Tuesday March 2nd - 19.30 - 20.30
Tuesday March 9th - 19.30 - 20.30
Tuesday March 16th - 19.30 - 20.30
Tuesday March 23rd - 21.00 - 22.00
Tuesday March 30th - 21.00 - 22.00
Tuesday April 6th - 21.00 - 22.00
Tuesday April 13th - 21.00 - 22.00

Check out:
http://www.newcastlecricketcentre.com

CCC in Shock Promotion!

STEADY RISE THROUGH LEAGUE CONTINUES

In a shock move CCC have been promoted to Div 3 - or Serie C, as it is expected to be renamed - of the North-East Mid-Week Cricket League. The Heaton Medicals outfit finished 5th in Division 4 in 2003, but have gone up a division due to a quirk of the league structure. They will join teams such as Genetics, Kibblesworth, Fenham, and the evocatively named Aletaster in their new section.

The fresh challenge that promotion will provide has already led to near hysterical excitement amongst players and supporters alike, with the CCC messageboard swamped with talk of “AGMs” and “nets” sometime in the future.

Club captain Simon Edwards was more guarded in his reaction: “It’s great news for the club, and a difficult new challenge for the lads. I felt we were one of the better teams in Division 4 last season. The division was definitely split into two halves, with the top 5 pulling away. It had really become two divisions in itself, much like the Premiership. In fact there was three halves if you look at St Teresa’s who only amassed 3 points, though amass is probably the wrong word…”

Our reporter left Mr Edwards discussing the finer points of league statistics with himself, and interviewed CCC pace bowler Tim Hall instead: “Bring it on!” said Hall.

Are our Young Cricketers Out of Control Yobs?

CCC STAR IN NIGHTCLUB FRACAS
By Richard Littlejohn

So a CCC player has been involved in a nightclub fracas. The teenager is alleged to have indulged in a DRINKING binge before ABUSING a doorman who attempted to evict him from the club and ASSAULTING a policeman on the street outside. He was then locked up in a police cell for the night.

DRIVING OFFENCES

The same player is alleged to have written off half a dozen cars in the 12 months since passing his test. The red haired batsman/wicketkeeper, who cannot be named for legal reasons now faces being grounded by his father Gerald Tomlinson.

LITANY OF CRIMES

Today we ask: ARE OUR YOUNG CRICKETERS OUT OF CONTROL YOBS? Young men rewarded for their talents, flush with vast incomes, models draped off both arms, fast sports cars and cocaine binges in the toilets at the Chillingham Arms... But have they lost their sense of perspective?

Certainly CCC appear to be the bad boys of the North East Midweek Cricket League with a history of crimes and misdemeanours stretching back years:

1955 Roger French was cuffed round the ear for SCRUMPING a neighbour’s apples. Scrumping was still a capital offence at the time, but luckily French’s age saved him from the noose;

1962 Cliff Spencer alleged to have STOLEN 4 Black Jacks and a sherbet dip from Clough’s sweet shop, Heaton Road;

1970 Gerald M. Tomlinson convicted of non-possession of DRUGS at the Isle of Wight Festival;

1982 Christopher Arbuthnott Knowles arrested for URINATING on his own trousers after a Clash concert (we all remember the Hull Echo 'The Slash!' headlines);

1995 Simon Woodman alleged to have EATEN a goldfish at a 6th form party;

2001 Derek Marshall convicted of SPEAKING HIS MIND once too often during a cricket fixture at Heaton;

Though I have some sympathy with Marshall, the record is a disgrace to all concerned with the game. Cricket must CLEAN UP ITS ACT. The latest miscreant must be punished adequately, though no doubt the liberal do-gooders will give him a new car, an Icons membership card and a holiday in Faliraki. YOU COULD NOT MAKE IT UP!

Be Chilled!
Richard

Spencer: “I will never play for England again”

CLUB CRICKET TO BENEFIT FROM SURPRISE PULL OUT

Legendary leg spinner Cliff Spencer shocked the cricket world today by announcing his retirement from international cricket. Having once again been overlooked for England’s recent tours of Bangladesh and Sri Lanka, he has signalled his intention to see out the remainder of his career guiding Computing Cricket Club to cheaper pitches and occasional victories over St Teresa’s. “It was a tough decision to make,” says the popular Teesider, “but I’m not sure I’m up to the rigours of touring anymore.”

“After a great deal of consideration and discussion with my family and the CCC management, I've come to the conclusion that I will no longer offer myself for selection for any future England Test or one-day side."

The news has come as a surprise to many of Spencer’s supporters: “I think Cliff feels that he has little chance of playing cricket for England now, such is the wealth of talent in the spin-bowling department,” said CCC vice captain Roger French. “With world class youngsters like Giles and Batty around, an older head like him just isn’t going to get a look in.”

“It’s great news for CCC though,” continued French. “We really miss Cliff when he’s away on international duty.”

“Who?” added Duncan Fletcher vaguely.

Hussain Detained by Forces of Good

TEN YEAR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS

"Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!" With those words an ICC spokesman announced the dramatic conclusion to a decade long manhunt which has finally culminated in the bringing to justice of notorious cricketing outlaw Nasser Hussain. For more than a decade Hussain has terrorised cricketers across the globe with his indiscriminate use of lethal insults, petty barracking and injudicious slander. Only now, thanks to the revolution in on-pitch sound technology were his captors able to move in.

“Hussain has terrorised me for many years”, admitted Sri Lankan spin bowler Muttiah Muralitharan, amidst whoops of joy from the gathered throng at the press conference. But an emotional Murali, his memories of the most recent set-to still fresh, is barely able to stifle tears of anguish. “It is good that he has been brought to justice,” added his teammate, the gentle Kumar Sangakarra, a one man benign-vigilante, whose raison d’etre has been to bring the evil Hussain to book for his crimes.

TAKING BABY FROM KANDY

As he was comforted by his teammate, Muralitharan could console himself with the thought that he is one of the lucky ones. Hussain, it was revealed, had been detained immediately after the second test in Kandy, a ten year reign of terror finally coming to an end. “Eventually tyrants like Hussain make mistakes; their past catches up with them,” said Sangakarra.

It was this most recent humiliating spat with Muralitharan that finally caught him out.

“He called me a chucker,” says Muralitharan. “I said ‘I’m not’. Then he said ‘you are’, and I said ‘I’m not’, then he said ‘you are’, I said ‘I’m not’, until I said ‘right, I’m telling.”

The diminutive Sri Lankan was true to his word and reported the unsavoury incident to match referee Clive Lloyd, who immediately engaged a crack team of sound boffins to verify the accusations. “It was tough,” says Lloyd, “but in today’s high tec environment such precision is possible.” The net was gradually closing in. “We clearly heard his terrible barrage,” said Lloyd. “It was…shocking,” he continued before being overcome with emotion.

Even more visceral detail came from Lloyd’s lip synch experts who found that Hussain clearly called Muralitharan a “tell tale tit”, and suggested that his “tongue would split”. “We believe this is an implicit threat of physical violence”, said Lloyd. To cap it all Hussain is alleged to have stuck his tongue out of an evil pouting mouth directly at the humiliated Muralitharan as he left the field.

DRUNKEN GAY BRICKIE

Hussain’s reign of terror is believed to have started back in the early nineties when he compared Australian batsman David Boon to “a drunken brickie doing a Village People impersonation”. Since then he has committed many further atrocities, perhaps even running into hundreds of thousands. “It’s difficult at this stage to say just how prolific he has been”, continued the spokesman. “We hope to get some idea when the trial goes to court.”