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Dyson in Clean Sweep of Batsmen

SRI LANKANS NAME 11 BOWLERS TO COUNTER ENGLAND FIREPOWER

Sri Lankan cricket supremo and pom-hater John Dyson will field 11 bowlers in the line up for next week's Third Test in Columbo, it has been revealed. So delighted has Dyson been with the batting form of the Sri Lankan tailenders that he has seen fit to drop all the specialist batsmen in a bid to bat England out of the game.

"Our batsmen have been the weak link in this series so far", admitted the ex-pat Aussie. "They just haven't been up to the threat posed by classy bowlers such as Kirtley, Hoggard and Giles. It's the boys down the order who have exhibited the application and technique required at this level."

The selectorial move, believed to be unprecedented in international cricket, will see Muralitharan named as captain and number three batsman. Fernando and Vaas will open both main disciplines. "It's a great honour to be named skipper and a frontline batsman," grinned the Kandy Killer as he practicesd his action skimming pebbles in the Indian Ocean.

Duncan Fletcher admitted to being taken aback by Dyson's selection policy. "It's unusual to say the least," he said. "Even though Murali, Fernando and Vaas have occupied the crease for several days between them in the last two test matches I have infinite faith in our infinite conveyor belt of bowlers."

Of more concern for Fletcher is the news that Kirtley, Anderson and Croft are all ruled out of the Third Test after a freak playing card accident in training. Svelte CCC paceman Chris Knowles - known to his fans as the Cartington Terrace Stopping Train - has flown out to join the squad for this match. "It shouldn't have come to this but I know Knowles well and I'm sure he'll do a job for us," muttered the England boss with a degree of despair.

Profile: Matthew Hoggard

This winter’s trip to Sri Lanka marks Yorkshire fast bowler Matthew Hoggard’s second major tour of the sub-continent. His first came in India two years ago when he found himself carrying an inexperienced England attack in the wake of September 11th. It was a daunting experience, as he explains: “Several experienced bowlers pulled out after September 11th, which were quite presumptuous as it were before t'tour party were selected. So I were thrown in the deep end against Sachin and Co…”

On pitches that don’t tend to favour pace bowlers, Hoggard and his colleagues managed to just about contain the best batting side in the world, losing the series 1-0. “It was a challenge, but really I ‘ave Al Quaeda t’thank for me opportunity,” he acknowledges.

Since then it’s been an up and down time for the down to earth northerner, battling against injury as well as flat tracks on the sub-continent, but he’s come through it, in his own words, “a more mature, thoughtful performer.”

“I ‘ad a bit problem in 2002 when I went to Craig White’s barbers and got scalped”, quips the newly barnetted bowler. “Took me ages to get me ‘air and Chris Old sideys back, but Whitey and me still laugh about it.”

2003 has seen a resurgence both in Hoggard’s fitness and form. “It’s taken me a while to get back in t’squad. It’s never easy when you ‘ave players the calibre of Richard Johnson in t’set up – and he’s not even first choice…” The only thing missing from a rejuvenated Hoggard’s game now is wickets. “The lads jest with me about me ‘wicket-tekkin’ ball,” he says, “but I honestly can’t remember it!”

Clearly this is a modest, self-deprecating man, yet no one on the team tries harder on and off the pitch. Hoggard is viewed as one of the hardest trainers, and he balances out his cricket with other jobs to keep the bailiffs from the door. “I ‘ave to get permission from village elders to play in September ‘cos of t’harvest,” he says. “And of course I've got me ‘Hoggie’s’ sideline…”

‘Hoggie’s’ is a venture about which the England No. 11 is rightly proud, his own Pig Farmer-o-gram service. “I go round pubs and parties”, he says, with obvious enthusiasm. “I walk in t’room wearing this sou’wester and dirty mac, with a piglet tucked under one arm. I have to say things too, like ‘Eeee bah gum, where’s t’veterinary?’ There’s still a lot of demand for my services up north you know. When I’m on tour I ‘ave to get David Byas as t'stand in”.

One thing is for certain: come rain or shine and whatever his trade, Hoggie will keep running in giving his all.

Gilo Sweet Chariots!

England find themselves in a strong position going into Day 2 of the 1st Test in Galle thanks to a devastating spell of left arm spin bowling from Ashley Giles. The Warwickshire twirler picked up 3 wickets thanks to his new 'special' delivery. "I've been working on it for several months now," he said whilst sipping a well deserved pint afterwards, "it's the one that hits the wicket and then deviates off the pitch."

Sri Lanka's tormented top order batsmen had few answers. "It was unbelievable," said Sanath Jayasuriya, "I just couldn't read him at all. I couldn't legislate for the ball turning and my shot selection suffered."

Home grown spin wizard Murali was equally impressed: "There are a lot of things I can learn from Gilo. He's like a guru to me. He has taken the slow bowler's art into a new dimension."

Bible Codes Predict CCC Promotion

SEASON OF UNPRECEDENTED SUCCESS 2007

World to End 2006

Dramatic new evidence published today will show how coded messages hidden in the Old Testament appear to predict major world events. Research carried out at the University of Tel Aviv's Department of Creative Interpretation uses the technique of 'skip sequencing' to break the codes. Skip sequencing involves choosing letters randomly from random words and combining them with other randomly selected letters to create whatever words you want. Using an advanced statistical computer package, the boffins have predicted:

CCC Promotion in 2007
The end of the world in 2006
England to regain the Ashes in 2141

"I haf researched zis area for many years now," claimed one unnamed Professor. " it is clear zer are many codes contained vizin ze Old Testament if you vant to find zem. For instance, ve hav already discovered zat ze Bible predicted amongst ozer sings ze Kennedy assassination, ze first Gulf War, and ze Take Zat split."

Yet it is the latest prediction - that CCC will win the North East Midweek Division 4 in 2007 - which is set to bring the science of the Bible Codes to a wide audience.

"Ve haf proof zat CCC will be going up," continued Professor X, flicking his computer keypad. "To give you an example, using ze skip sequence programme, ve have ze date "JULY 2003" clearly appearing in Genesis. Nearby, you clearly haf ze vords ROD MATCH OFF LADS. Ve believe zis is statistically significant."

The one drawback to CCC's anticipated 2007 promotion is the Bible Code prediction of armageddon in 2006. "The end of the world would put a serious dampener on celebrations," admitted CCC secretary Cliff Spencer, "a nuclear winter would play havoc with the fixture list, and I would hope for a more lenient policy from groundsmen across the north east."

Genetics Set to Clone Botham

ALL ROUNDER REPLICANT TO SPEARHEAD 3RD DIVISION CAMPAIGN

Newly promoted Genetics hope to have cloned former England all rounder Ian Botham in time for next season. The ambitious project is part of a ten year plan to make Genetics “invincible” and capable of “liquidating all who oppose”– a plan that involves recreating the entire 1979 Somerset team and placing it in a 21st century midweek context.

“Ian Botham is the man around whom the rest of the team will be developed,” claimed Genetics spokesman Dave Strangelove at a press conference this lunchtime. “He will complement our existing squad very nicely, bolstering the middle order, and adding a bit of variety to the bowling attack. We also expect him to be a good laugh down the pub.”

Development of further members of Somerset’s finest ever side will continue thereafter with approximately two new players a year until 2010. “We hope to have a fully functional Colin Dredge for 2005,” continued Strangelove. “By 2010 we’ll be the best team in the North East Mid-Week League. We’ll be unbeatable,” he raved, descending rapidly into uncontrollable fits of manic laughter.