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Life's A Scream for "Terrifying" Johnson

Richard Johnson claimed match figures of 9-93 as England completed a series victory against Bangladesh in Chittagong. His performance followed up the six wicket haul on his test debut against Zimbabwe in May, and marks him down as one of the hottest new fast bowlers on the world scene.

Coach Duncan Fletcher was effusive in his praise of the swarthy Somerset paceman: "Richard is an extraodinary talent. he comes into the side in difficult circumstances when six or so quick bowlers are unavailable, and he does a job. People will say that Bangladesh and Zimbabwe are shit, but there are no easy games in world cricket and it's a difficult place to come."

The West Country wildman appears to have a bright future. "He reminds me of me when I was in my prime, only with less hair," said former Aussie great Dennis Lillee with a mischievous wink. "Richard Johnson is a terrific prospect," added legendary Sky commentator Michael Holding almost unintelligibly due to a dislocated tongue pressuring his right cheek. "He would've slotted into the great West Indies side of the mid 80s just fine."

Johnson, who celebrated Hallowe'en by running in to bowl in Bangladesh's second innings wearing a Wes Craven's Scream mask and cape, was modest. "I was just here to do a job - not exactly make up the numbers, that's Gilo's job, but to fill Harmy's shoes."

"Johnson was terrifying," claimed Bangladesh batsman Habibul Bashar. "He was all flailing arms and legs and that mask freaked me, like." And it wasn't just Johnson's run up that inspired terror. "His sledging was a bit heavy too," says Habibul. "Just as he completed his follow through he'd, like, eyeball me and sneer menacingly 'what's your favourite mode of dismissal?'"



"The Bradford match clashed with Miss Marple. What chance did we have?" - Charles Kohler on Wimbledon's latest attendance embarrassment, P.36

Cricket Commentator Winter Tour Explosion Risk

INTENSIVE ITINERARY BLAMED

Veteran radio cricket commentator Henry Blofeld could explode during the winter tour of the West Indies. The stark warning came from BBC Sports Chiefs who laid the blame fairly and squarely on the intensive cricket itinerary. "We play too much cricket nowadays," says an unnamed BBC Sport contact, "Henry is a high risk commentator who is prone to dangerous levels of excitement and enthusiasm if over-exposed to the game. He gets like Private Godfrey on speed."

Blofeld has traditionally relied on three months off between the end of the English summer and the start of a winter tour. During this time he would recuperate at a health farm where people in white coats would attach electrodes to him, give him enemas, and work out strict cake-free diets. This season the England team travels to Bangladesh within weeks of the end of the domestic season, followed by a tour of Sri Lanka before Christmas, and then the main tour to the Caribbean in February. This has left no time for Blofeld’s cricket aversion therapy. "With last year’s Ashes tour and the World Cup, it represents almost 18 months continuous cricket commentary for him. He’s gonna blow, make no mistake", added the BBC contact.

The threat has already been taken seriously by Caribbean Health Officials and environmental groups. "Can you imagine the ecological disaster if Blofeld exploded in, say, Antigua?" said a Friends of the Earth spokesman. "All that partially digested cake and other body matter could have an irreparable impact on local flora and fauna. It’d be like Exxon Valdez all over again." Meanwhile, the Jamaican Health Minister issued this statement: "We urge da BBC not to send Mr Blofeld to our island paradise. An exploding commentator would be seriously bad news, man."

"Despitemypredicament Ithinkthatwiththe helpofAggersandFoxy andthechapsIshouldbeabletoovercome ... mydearoldthingIsay ... that’sfourisn’tit... noit’snot ... he’spulleditupjustinsidethe ... mywordwhatalovelychocolatecakefromMrsSmithofTunbridgeWells ... howcharmingohgosh", revealed Blofeld at a press conference this morning.

"Blowers is one of cricket's characters," added his commentary colleague Graeme Fowler. "You would have thought that the powers that be would simply give 'im a three month sabbatical, but then common sense were never their forte were it." Fowler himself is expected to succumb to a surfeit of Lancastrian drollness during next summer’s test series against New Zealand.

New Phrase Enters Cricketing Lexicon

LINGUISTS HAIL "DYNAMIC, ORGANIC THING"

North East language-watchers have noticed the revival in recent months of a cricketing phrase that has been moribund for decades. The phrase, "if selected", has not been heard in relation to Computing Cricket Club for longer than the senior players care to remember. "Several of our players have started using this phrase when replying to e-mails requesting their availability," said skipper Simon Edwards, "instead of saying 'No', or 'I’d rather castrate myself with a pair of blunt scissors', several of the lads have started saying 'Yes, if selected'. Frankly it puts rather a lot of responsibility on the selection committee."

Social commentators have linked the revival to the reconstitution of the aforementioned CCC selection committee earlier this season. "It's simply that CCC is no longer short of players," said one, "there is consequently more competition for places, and no one who says simply 'Why yes, I'm available for the expected thrashing by Civil Service' can be sure of their place. This is a healthy evolutionary step not only for the English language but for the cricket team as well."

Linguistics expert Professor Greg Tomlinson agreed: "Its gr8 2C th language evolvng. It is a dynamic, organic thing after all," he said, before speeding off on two wheels accompanied by a muffled bass sound.

CCC in "Near Miss" with Promotion

PROMOTION CLOSER THAN AT ANY TIME IN YEARS

CCC has been involved in a near miss with promotion, according to League boffins. A team of mathematicians today released the final table for 2003, showing CCC in a comfortable 5th position. However, it could have been so different - had CCC finished a place higher they could have been exposed to promotion.

"We haven't been promoted in years," said former captain Keith Reader, "not since that time the lads forgot how to lose for a few games." League officials have pinpointed the exact moment that CCC came closest to contact with promotion as Wednesday 13th August, the day after a stunning win against promotion challengers Fenham. Had they won one of their two remaining fixtures after that, 4th place - and possible promotion - would have been guaranteed.

"It's lucky for CCC that they lost their last two games, and failed to rearrange with Travellers," said one League official. "As it was Travellers finished above them without the two sides having met. We calculated that CCC were that close to promotion," he said holding his thumb and forefinger a couple of inches apart.

"It's a mighty close escape," said club secretary Cliff Spencer. "My sympathies go to our friends and rivals Genetics, who had a full on collision with promotion. "We wish them well," he said, shaking his head in contemplation of their fate.

ECB Introduces New Bowler Training Equipment

LORDS TAKES DELIVERY OF COW'S ARSE, BANJO

London, 26th Aug - In a bid to improve the accuracy of England's bowlers, the ECB today received its new bowler training equipment - a Jersey cow, Daisy, and a banjo made from reinforced mahogany. The equipment is to be used to improve bowler accuracy, rhythm and basic dexterity: "It's a case of going back to basics," said cricket supremo Duncan Fletcher, "some of the lads are short of confidence at the moment." The new system, whereby the bowler grips the banjo in his normal manner and interfaces it with the cow's arse at an approximation of his regular speed, replicates some of the most basic requirements of a modern-day bowler. "Most of the lads should be able to hit a cow's arse with a banjo," continued Fletcher, "at least after a bit of practice."

The new technique has already enjoyed success in Australia, where it is alleged to have originated. "If it's good enough for the Aussies, it's good enough for us," says Fletcher. Former Australian great Dennis Lillee was quick to agree: "that's how I learnt to bowl, mate," he said with a mischievous wink.

The system has also been used in other sports. Blackburn Rovers striker Andy Cole has had one for years in the study of his Cheshire mansion. Indeed, Cole has benefitted to such an extent that he is now a better banjo player than footballer, playing at line dances across East Lancashire.

Back at Lords, England bowler James Anderson was keen to demonstrate his improving technique."You grip it like so... there's no seam to worry about, it's very basic," he explains. "Then you aim for the crease, just like in real cricket...ooops, missed.... well, it usually takes a few looseners. Once you get your range it's pretty straightforward."

The cow's arse-banjo system has met with universal acclaim. "It's imperative that our young cricketers learn the basics of the game," says selector Daivd Graveney. "We reckon that in 6 months players like Anderson, Kabir and even Harmison will be able to move on to a barn door, so that by next season they will pose a very real threat to the stumps."