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Mallards Fly as CCC Duck Responsibility

A hastily arranged game against friendly specialists Mallards took place at Heaton on a glorious August evening. CCC were put into bat and coasted to 97-5 off 14 overs, with Derek, Simon E. and Roger amongst the runs. Once again CCC's bowling and fielding was not as good as it should have been (though Dave Graham excelled with 3-5), with a few loose overs and a couple of farcical pieces of ground fielding. The game was essentially lost in the middle of the innings though, with Mallards greater exploitation of one very short boundary. The winning runs were hit by CCC turncoat Tim Hall, who, guesting for his other team, and despite being renowned for his bowling (he took 2-19 in this match), glided the final ball of the penultimate over majestically through the mid wicket gap to take Mallards to 98-8: "I just waited for the ball to come onto the bat," said Hall, "the timing was perfect and I just eased it gently, bisecting John and George in the field with a neat flick of the wrists." Hall went on to try to talk about his bowling too, but your reporter had to go to the pub instead.

So, three consecutive days in action for CCC, leaving most players feeling as stiff as Graeme Smith, though with considerably less to show for it.

CCC in Back to Back Action

A week of good weather has allowed CCC to play two of their outstanding league matches.

BA NEWCASTLE

Monday (Blue Flames, 16 overs): a visit to Blue Flames saw a remarkable win against BA Newcastle. Winning the toss and choosing to bat with a strong line up, CCC were reduced to 7-5 off 5.4 overs of superb opening bowling (notably from Johnson). However, their strength in depth told with John Reed (30), Derek Marshall (27 N.O.) and the skipper (a 14 over 24) seeing them to 96-8. This was followed up by a superb bowling and fielding display which left BA on 84-8. Derek (2-15) and Rian (2-6) were outstanding, and Derek took a deserved MOM.

Team: Rian, Ratti, Simon E., Paul, Simon W., Ian, John, Alan, Derek, Tim, Chris

HUMSHAUGH

Tuesday (Cochrane Park, 14 overs): CCC really can be a Jekyll and Hyde side as they put in a very disappointing display against fellow promotion challengers Humshaugh, just 24 hours after one of their most resilient performances ever. Winning the toss and batting first, CCC again managed 96-6, with Rian (29) and useful runs from Cliff Spencer and the returning Dave Graham towards the end. For a while this looked enough, but Humshaugh have two or three quality batsmen, notably Parminter, who eased them home with an over or so to go. CCC's fielding and bowling was especially disappointing tonight, and Parminter was dropped three times (though none of them was easy).

Team: Rian, Ian, Simon E., Paul, Simon W., Dave Graham, Cliff, Roger, Derek, Tim, Tom Spencer

Promotion is now only a mathematical possibility this season. CCC is not quite consistent enough - on its day any team can be beaten, but its day does not happen often enough. At times the fielding lets the team down, simply through concentration, whilst the middle order batsmen are suffering a crisis of confidence.

Summer is 'Most Ironic Since Records Began'

The British Isles has experienced its most ironic summer weather-wise since records began, it was revealed at a press conference lunch time, Monday.

Temperatures have soared well into the 20s in many parts and have stayed consistently high, leading to experts describing it as the hottest summer since 1995. However, this good weather has been combined with strategic inclemencies aimed directly and vindictively at Computing Cricket Club. "Wednesdays have been shit," said club secretary Cliff Spencer. "Except this coming Wednesday, which is going to be specially nice because we haven't got a game."

The weather has targeted CCC so unsubtly that as of the first week of August, whilst many UK residents raided chemists across the country for sunburn treatment, the team had only played 8 of their 14 matches. "It's been totally brutal, man," said former captain Gerry Tomlinson. "The boys have been, like, kicking their heels."

The rough treatment of CCC by the weather has been labelled a disgrace by players and officials alike. "It's really not on," claimed one groundsman who did not wish to be named, "the weather has been a complete git, especially on Wednesdays, and now they're all blaming me." Meteorology experts were more prosaic: "this has been the most ironic summer since records began, " said one. "It's been hot, hot, hot, except on Wednesdays, and even when Wednesdays have been nice, CCC have been hit by cancellations for other reasons, like fixture cock ups. That's ironic that is."

A further irony is that when CCC have taken to the field they have often been rubbish.

The bad weather on Wednesdays has been blamed on rain.

CCC Forced to Pick Team

SELECTION COMMITTEE RECONVENES AFTER 45 YEAR HIATUS

With just two weeks of the season left, and CCC having played only 8 of their 14 games, a severe case of fixture congestion has arisen, with the result that this week sees three matches in as many days. At the height of the holiday season this could have been expected to cause major selection headaches, yet astonishingly, CCC has been overwhelmed with requests to play. This means that for the first time in modern times the team will not pick itself. "We've been deluged with requests," says club secretary Cliff Spencer, "my mailbox is chocca and my computer's crashed." The weight of mail dropping on Spencer's mat was such that his dog, Souness - who likes to sleep next to the front door - was knocked unconscious.

Meanwhile the club's selection committee had to reconvene in order to pick teams for the three games. "It's a completely new challenge," claimed skipper Simon Edwards, "you never think you'll actually have to leave someone out - it's the hardest thing to do." Luckily chairman of selectors Roger French came to the rescue. "Initially I tried to remember my old mathematical formulae, but that was too difficult and not at all relevant to the modern game," he explains. "Then I thought back to the old school technique of standing the players on the touchline and selecting the 11 fittest looking..." This technique, widely regarded as failsafe at school level, presented a new problem to French: "unfortunately CCC only has five players that look anything approaching fit. I'd have ended up sending 17 players home, including the skipper, and we'd have been seriously under strength on the park."

Finally, thanks to a chance discovery in his loft of The Observer's Book of Non PC Sports Team Selection (1961 edition), French hit upon the solution. "I've used eeny meeny miny mo for Monday, and ip dip dog shit for Wednesday", he says proudly. "Tuesday was a problem, but I think I'm going to draw names out of a hat for that."

CCC Regret Game Going Ahead

CCC's away fixture v Merz & McClellan finally went ahead at Clara Vale last night. The home side won an important toss and decided to bat in excellent conditions. The CCC bowlers occasionally threatened to get on top, with Rian and Andy tightening things up in the middle of the innings, but in general these were superb batting conditions with the fielding side struggling to come to terms with Clara Vale's hillside terrain and fast, hard outfield. Merz scored a huge 136-4 off 14 overs with Behl (34) and Mallabar (55 not out) providing most of the runs, which tended to come in singles or fours. CCC were never in the game after that, particularly as the light closed in and a drizzly cross wind became stronger, finishing on 75-9. Rian scored an excellent 39, but no one could stay with him, including the skipper who now has two two ball ducks at this ground, separated by five years :-(

This was undoubtedly CCC's worst performance of the season. They missed Ian, Ratti, Paul, Keith, Stewart, Alan and Greg, all of whom strengthen the batting line up and contribute in the field. However, all credit to Merz who were probably the best side CCC has faced this season.

Team: Rian, Cliff, Simon E., Simon W., George Price, Derek, Roger, John, Tim, Chris, Andy

Attendance-Police Presence ratio 0:1 (Ian)