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Darren Pattinson has been named the new England cricket captain in a surprise announcement made to assembled press at Loughborough this lunchtime.
The Notts Swing bowler revealed that he had been about to take his kids to the Earth Centre in Doncaster when he took a call on his mobile from Geoff Miller inviting him to take over the captaincy role.
"I was pretty surprised," commented Pattinson, his slight Aussie drawl masking his obvious north Lincolnshire heritage. "There've been more ups and downs in my England career than my roofing one so far, what with the surprise call up for the Headingly test, then being dropped again, and now this."
When asked why Strauss, Flintoff and Pieterson, and other assorted half-baked candidates had been overlooked, chief selector Geoff Miller looked stunned for a split second then muttered "Pieterson? Did you say Pieterson? Who’s this then? Shit, shit, shit." He then examined his mobile phone and added: "Shit. I pressed the wrong name."
Meanwhile Pattinson's kids were unavailable for comment. They are with their solicitor planning divorce proceedings against their father following their second aborted holiday of the summer.
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