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LORDS TAKES DELIVERY OF COW'S ARSE, BANJO
London, 26th Aug - In a bid to improve the accuracy of England's bowlers, the ECB today received its new bowler training equipment - a Jersey cow, Daisy, and a banjo made from reinforced mahogany. The equipment is to be used to improve bowler accuracy, rhythm and basic dexterity: "It's a case of going back to basics," said cricket supremo Duncan Fletcher, "some of the lads are short of confidence at the moment." The new system, whereby the bowler grips the banjo in his normal manner and interfaces it with the cow's arse at an approximation of his regular speed, replicates some of the most basic requirements of a modern-day bowler. "Most of the lads should be able to hit a cow's arse with a banjo," continued Fletcher, "at least after a bit of practice."
The new technique has already enjoyed success in Australia, where it is alleged to have originated. "If it's good enough for the Aussies, it's good enough for us," says Fletcher. Former Australian great Dennis Lillee was quick to agree: "that's how I learnt to bowl, mate," he said with a mischievous wink.
The system has also been used in other sports. Blackburn Rovers striker Andy Cole has had one for years in the study of his Cheshire mansion. Indeed, Cole has benefitted to such an extent that he is now a better banjo player than footballer, playing at line dances across East Lancashire.
Back at Lords, England bowler James Anderson was keen to demonstrate his improving technique."You grip it like so... there's no seam to worry about, it's very basic," he explains. "Then you aim for the crease, just like in real cricket...ooops, missed.... well, it usually takes a few looseners. Once you get your range it's pretty straightforward."
The cow's arse-banjo system has met with universal acclaim. "It's imperative that our young cricketers learn the basics of the game," says selector Daivd Graveney. "We reckon that in 6 months players like Anderson, Kabir and even Harmison will be able to move on to a barn door, so that by next season they will pose a very real threat to the stumps."
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