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INTENSIVE ITINERARY BLAMED
Veteran radio cricket commentator Henry Blofeld could explode during the winter tour of the West Indies. The stark warning came from BBC Sports Chiefs who laid the blame fairly and squarely on the intensive cricket itinerary. "We play too much cricket nowadays," says an unnamed BBC Sport contact, "Henry is a high risk commentator who is prone to dangerous levels of excitement and enthusiasm if over-exposed to the game. He gets like Private Godfrey on speed."
Blofeld has traditionally relied on three months off between the end of the English summer and the start of a winter tour. During this time he would recuperate at a health farm where people in white coats would attach electrodes to him, give him enemas, and work out strict cake-free diets. This season the England team travels to Bangladesh within weeks of the end of the domestic season, followed by a tour of Sri Lanka before Christmas, and then the main tour to the Caribbean in February. This has left no time for Blofeld’s cricket aversion therapy. "With last year’s Ashes tour and the World Cup, it represents almost 18 months continuous cricket commentary for him. He’s gonna blow, make no mistake", added the BBC contact.
The threat has already been taken seriously by Caribbean Health Officials and environmental groups. "Can you imagine the ecological disaster if Blofeld exploded in, say, Antigua?" said a Friends of the Earth spokesman. "All that partially digested cake and other body matter could have an irreparable impact on local flora and fauna. It’d be like Exxon Valdez all over again." Meanwhile, the Jamaican Health Minister issued this statement: "We urge da BBC not to send Mr Blofeld to our island paradise. An exploding commentator would be seriously bad news, man."
"Despitemypredicament Ithinkthatwiththe helpofAggersandFoxy andthechapsIshouldbeabletoovercome ... mydearoldthingIsay ... that’sfourisn’tit... noit’snot ... he’spulleditupjustinsidethe ... mywordwhatalovelychocolatecakefromMrsSmithofTunbridgeWells ... howcharmingohgosh", revealed Blofeld at a press conference this morning.
"Blowers is one of cricket's characters," added his commentary colleague Graeme Fowler. "You would have thought that the powers that be would simply give 'im a three month sabbatical, but then common sense were never their forte were it." Fowler himself is expected to succumb to a surfeit of Lancastrian drollness during next summer’s test series against New Zealand.
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