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TEN YEAR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS
"Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!" With those words an ICC spokesman announced the dramatic conclusion to a decade long manhunt which has finally culminated in the bringing to justice of notorious cricketing outlaw Nasser Hussain. For more than a decade Hussain has terrorised cricketers across the globe with his indiscriminate use of lethal insults, petty barracking and injudicious slander. Only now, thanks to the revolution in on-pitch sound technology were his captors able to move in.
“Hussain has terrorised me for many years”, admitted Sri Lankan spin bowler Muttiah Muralitharan, amidst whoops of joy from the gathered throng at the press conference. But an emotional Murali, his memories of the most recent set-to still fresh, is barely able to stifle tears of anguish. “It is good that he has been brought to justice,” added his teammate, the gentle Kumar Sangakarra, a one man benign-vigilante, whose raison d’etre has been to bring the evil Hussain to book for his crimes.
TAKING BABY FROM KANDY
As he was comforted by his teammate, Muralitharan could console himself with the thought that he is one of the lucky ones. Hussain, it was revealed, had been detained immediately after the second test in Kandy, a ten year reign of terror finally coming to an end. “Eventually tyrants like Hussain make mistakes; their past catches up with them,” said Sangakarra.
It was this most recent humiliating spat with Muralitharan that finally caught him out.
“He called me a chucker,” says Muralitharan. “I said ‘I’m not’. Then he said ‘you are’, and I said ‘I’m not’, then he said ‘you are’, I said ‘I’m not’, until I said ‘right, I’m telling.”
The diminutive Sri Lankan was true to his word and reported the unsavoury incident to match referee Clive Lloyd, who immediately engaged a crack team of sound boffins to verify the accusations. “It was tough,” says Lloyd, “but in today’s high tec environment such precision is possible.” The net was gradually closing in. “We clearly heard his terrible barrage,” said Lloyd. “It was…shocking,” he continued before being overcome with emotion.
Even more visceral detail came from Lloyd’s lip synch experts who found that Hussain clearly called Muralitharan a “tell tale tit”, and suggested that his “tongue would split”. “We believe this is an implicit threat of physical violence”, said Lloyd. To cap it all Hussain is alleged to have stuck his tongue out of an evil pouting mouth directly at the humiliated Muralitharan as he left the field.
DRUNKEN GAY BRICKIE
Hussain’s reign of terror is believed to have started back in the early nineties when he compared Australian batsman David Boon to “a drunken brickie doing a Village People impersonation”. Since then he has committed many further atrocities, perhaps even running into hundreds of thousands. “It’s difficult at this stage to say just how prolific he has been”, continued the spokesman. “We hope to get some idea when the trial goes to court.”
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