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ONE STUMP, TWO FINGERS, THREE CATS
The CCC v Fenham top of the table clash ended in a bloodbath at Heaton last night. Fenham won a close game by 5 runs, but the real victors were the spectators who witnessed a horrific spectacle to satisfy any sadist's blood lust.
Whilst Fenham batted the only horrors were those attached to CCC's bowling figures as the visitors racked up 121-6 with Mudassar Amin scoring 57. It was during CCC's reply that the blood began to flow:
19:35 fielder sustains badly cut hand taking catch
19:36 the very next ball Ratti Khan's off stump perishes gruesomely, snapped in two by the force of a fast full toss
20:10 CCC's own medical expert, Dr Paul Bennett sustains broken hand.
"It's meant to be here," said Bennett later, pointing at his finger with a non-damaged digit, "but actually it's here."
As the first aid kit became quickly depleted it seemed that the bloodshed had ceased.
Then the cats were released. "There were three of them," continued Bennett, puffing nervously on a cigarette. "One fluffy number, a black and white, and a straight up tabby. It was like they were released deliberately when we were at our lowest."
The cats tore into the cricketers, the white flannels juxtaposed with blood glinting in the evening sun in a horrifyingly visceral scene reminiscent of Gladiator. "It was total carnage," said Bennett. "There was loads of that red stuff that people have in them, and there was a sense of panic. The only winner was the spectator."
The spectator indeed approved: "Aye, that were top notch," he said, collecting human organs from the pitch in a bag marked 'Genetics CC Research'. "Top notch".
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