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KIT "TOTALLY VILLAGED"
Several CCC stars stand accused this morning of Grade 1 Cricket Equipment Abuse (CEA). The charge comes about following a raid of the visitors’ locker room at Gateshead Fell cricket club by the Sports Quality Control Division last night. Their shocking haul included:
•1 team kit bag which "has seen better days"
•Several individual kit bags, some of which "date from the Eighties"
•An assortment of ill-fitting and broken pads
•An array of boxes that are "a danger to humanity"
•1 quality £160 bat "cosmetically challenged" with gaffer tape
"The haul is one of the largest ever seen in this region," claimed a Sports QC spokesman. "I’ve personally never seen such a shocking scene outside of the traditional village cricket environment. In such circumstances we refer to the kit as having been 'totally villaged'"
The quality of the overall CCC kit will come under scrutiny once the forensic report is released. "Some of that kit is just ridiculous for a serious team," the spokesman continued. "Some of it should be in a museum and some of it should be disposed of forthwith."
However, though CCC is likely to be charged with bringing the game into disrepute, it is the individual crimes against quality cricket that will draw the most serious charges. "Certain individuals had decent quality kit which they have totally villaged," continued the spokesman, his voice shaking unmistakeably with emotion as he recalled the horrific scene that had presented itself to him. "I...will never be able to forget the quality Dukes bat that had been gaffer taped at the bottom...It looked...”, he stammered before breaking down.
CCC spokesman Roger French made this statement: "CCC has been charged with bringing the game into disrepute, whilst certain individuals have been charged with a Grade 1 CEA. I have no further comment to make at this juncture. The matter is in the hands of our solicitor."
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