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BBC Cricket Correspondent Jonathan Agnew
England will play West Indies in Barbados on Saturday in a clash which will decide who is the most incompetent.
England go into the match on the back of an absolute demolition job by a South Africa team which had previously lost to Bangladesh, whilst the West Indies, despite home advantage, have never been at the races during this World Cup tournament.
England captain Michael Vaughan was again defiant after the South Africa game, saying that he would be taking the positives from that match into the West Indies clash once he and Duncan Fletcher had found out what they were.
"It's a great opportunity for the lads to better one of our rivals for the dunce’s hat of world cricket," Vaughan is reported as saying. "When you think about it we haven't played another incompetent team for a while. In recent months we've played utterly ruthless cricket machines like Australia, New Zealand and Ireland."
West Indies skipper Brian Lara is similarly optimistic about finishing the World Cup – and his career - on a moderate high: "I think I've smelt the coffee before Michael and got out before him," he said, referring to his imminent retirement from one day cricket, "so that’s 1-0 to us already."
The clash will see superiority in several disciplines finally decided, though reports that players will be forced to wear clown costumes are at present wide of the mark.
1) The Most Brittle Middle Order prize will be closely contested, and a lot will depend on whether Brian Lara and Kevin Pietersen are able to combine the two tricky tasks of staying in AND scoring runs. Favourite: England
2) Least Effective All Rounder will see Andrew Flintoff pitted against young upstart Dwayne Bravo. Favourite: England
3) Most Pop-Gun Pie-Chucking Attack will be similarly closely contested. The bookies favour the West Indies as Corey Collymore and Daran Powell are likely to take advantage of England’s attempts to make the Slowest Start to a One Day Match Ever (see below) and thus concede less than 50 runs each. Meanwhile the tournament organisers are looking to replace the word ‘Attack’ in this category with the more appropriate ‘Girls’. Favourite: England
4) A new discipline for this World Cup sees England attempting the Slowest Start to a One Day Innings in History. This will attempt to beat the record held by Geoff Boycott and Mike Brearley in the 1979 final. Winner: England W/O
5) England have already bagged the award for Pointless Wicket-Keeping Selection (Paul Nixon), maintaining a grand tradition in this category (previous winners Geraint Jones, Matt Prior). Winner: England W/O
6) Retro 1970s Fielding Incompetence Award features a team and an individual gong. Team Favourite: West Indies; Individual: too close to call
7) The Alastair Campbell Award for Post Match Spin will see Michael Vaughan as favourite with Lara expected to offer a more candid approach following his retirement. Bookies are also offering on more spin being seen after the match than during it. Favourite: England
8) The final category is Brainless Post-Match Binge, where both teams go on the lash in Bridgetown and the one that gets shopped most by its own supporters wins.
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